PS: [picks up the recorder and speaks directly into it] Listen to me for a second. I listened to a lot of Bright Eyes in high school. I’m not gonna front on you. Seventeen, 18 years old, me and my friends thought Bright Eyes was god’s dick. I’m going on 23 now, I don’t wanna read about Bright Eyes every time I wanna read about the band I’m in. Even fucking Silver Jews got a couple of blurbs that didn’t mention Pavement, okay? So please, all you blogosphere navigators out there, I’m challenging you right now, calling you out: let’s see who can write the Titus Andronicus blurb that doesn’t mention Bright Eyes, okay? We’ll be best buddies ever. Not hate on Bright Eyes, important guy in my teenage years, but, like, seriously, every fucking time I… officially, I don’t sound that much like him, okay? We’re just dudes. We’re just regular Irish-descended American dudes that like laying it on the line. There’s a lot of fucking people that did that too, besides Conor Oberst. Much love to Conor, big ups to him on his artist friendly one-off Merge contract. Don’t wanna hear about it anymore, okay? I know Bright Eyes screeches and squeals a lot… fine, Bright Eyes is cool. We listened to Bright Eyes in the van last night, and I was digging it.
DT: Calling us like Bright Eyes is a little Flak 101. Dig a little deeper. Greatest hits, track two.
PS: So I’m sayin’. Lotta love to Bright Eyes. I fucking was loving you at the Knitting Factory when you had Ben Kweller in your band. That was huge. You’re a great man, Conor, if you’re out there. However, I don’t sing like you that much, man. And I don’t need to hear about it every single day. We also challenge you to a fight. I’m interested in fighting you, or doing whatever contest you want. If you wanna go bowling, if you wanna do Scrabble, Scattergories… we’re gonna be in Omaha one of these days, man. Yeah, Jenga? I’m dangerous at Jenga. Face me in Jenga, see what happens, Conor. We’ll find out won’t we. Think you’re pretty big now? Just wait. Also, Mario Kart 64? Bring the drama.
AC: No seriously, I got dibs, though. I got Peach.
PS: Our band does not sound like Bright Eyes. Officially. That’s the last word on it. The end. No hate, but big shouts to people who realize that Paul Westerberg is a bigger, better guy to compare us to than Bright Eyes. ‘Cuz he fuckin’ put it on the line, too! Do your research, bloggers, all right? Bright Eyes didn’t invent having feelings. Just sayin’. Not a big deal, but people had feelings before Conor Oberst came along. Yeah buddy. I work for my money, honey.
“Inject all pregnant women with the right dose of hormones, and the result would be men and women with normal bodies but identical feminine brains. War, rape, boxing, car racing, pornography, and hamburgers and beer would soon be distant memories.”—Matt Ridley- The Red Queen